Meet Forgetful:
Before I get too far, I should explain my family dynamic a bit. David and I have four children. I have Christian, Eryk, Lynnayah and Logan and each one of those smallish people consume every second of my day. I'm a stay at home mother and wife while my husband works in Law Enforcement. He works quite a few hours overtime each week so time with him is precious and far in between. When he's home, I like sleeping in, laughing, playing and EATING with him. Somewhere around 2:30 today, my stomach twisted and turned in ways that shot alarms in my head off in every direction "Feed me fatty!" I was begrudgingly reminded of the plant in Little Shop of Horrors at that moment. The plant was screaming "FEED ME SEYMOUR" inside of my body and it would not subside until finally, I chopped up a little meat and threw it down the hatch.
Not only have I read that forgetting to eat is going to defeat the purpose of the diet but I've been reminded multiple times by the people around me. In forgetting to eat today, chances are that I will wake up tonight famished. However, no matter how hungry I will be, I can't succumb to eating something or that weight will settle and guess who's nickname will never change from "fatty" to "healthy." You've got it, THIS GIRL.
And now that you're comfortable with Forgetful, let me introduce you to Embarrassed:
Fear of what other people have thought or will think about me passed somewhere in my earliest years of performance theatre. I can remember dreading my first play. "What if I forget my line?" "What if the lights blind me and I walk right off the stage?" "What if the audience doesn't like me?" These were all very realistic fears for me. Not because I was afraid that I would forget the whole play or because I was afraid of breaking my neck (teenagers are immortal remember?) I was afraid of the laughter that would erupt from the audience if I fell short. The pointing, the laughter and the mockery terrified me, but somewhere between my third and fourth play, I realized something. The fears were gone and I felt free to exist. I would perform and forget lines without even my understudy realizing what had happen. I would find the comedic element about falling off stage a comfort and a niche for my chubby awkwardness, but it wasn't until I found confidence in myself that I could even begin letting go of the fear and insecurity that somebody might not like ME.
That was a little more than 10 years ago and tonight in my cotton shorts and spaghetti strap shirt, in front of the man who has seen me and my white wide glory completely naked on MULTIPLE occasions, I felt insecure about the way my body would move, glide and position as I had to meet my fitness goal for the day. The fear stole my night and caused me to miss a portion of my physical obligation. I literally had to wait until my family was occupied at dinner to be able to completely separate myself from them to allow my body to move. By the time Yoga was over, it was much too late for a walk. In fact, it's much too late for a lot of things.
So today, I fell short. I became two people that aren't beneficial to my diet health and I hope that their personalities will dissipate into my being and make themselves scarce.
It's been a rough day but on the upside of things, I managed to drink ONLY water today with the exception of 10 oz of green tea iced without sugar. And the SUPER BIG BONUS is I was able to eat a FILLING dinner and come in under 500 calories thanks to my friend Analy's tasty chicken wrap recipe. It's definitely going in the box of things to do regularly.
Tomorrow's another day and we'll face that one with it's challenges then.
Day 3:
Weight: 273 lbs
Outlook: Feeling Blue
Dinner: Rolled chicken breast with a ricotta filling and a marinara topping, steamed zucchini, a side salad with low fat salad dressing and a slice of angel food cake with a berry & cream topping.
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