Last night, after concluding that the only way I'd hit anywhere near my calorie goal would be to wake up early enough to eat breakfast, I set my alarm. I found it harder to go to sleep last night knowing that I would be waking early but when I finally slept, it was a sound sleep and I woke up this morning in an excellent mood! I swear the birds were singing, the sun was shining and I felt amazing! A little ache and pain here but they were rewarding pains. The pains that told me that I was getting healthier and my body was appreciative. I wanted to sing, "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE..." but I was stunted by the fact that my husband wouldn't appreciate being woken up by the sound of my screeching a Julie Andrews medley.
I made the yummiest breakfast and sat down to get the video ready for my morning Yoga. Suddenly, I felt a tightness in my shoulders and feet. Not in the muscles as much as the pain was in my skin. I felt like I had ripped each and every molecule and there was a strong fire in my movement. "What!? What's this!? Oh no no no!" I thought out loud only to realize that David was just behind me waiting for a morning kiss. That was fun explaining.
I've come to the conclusion that while I'm trying to twist and contort to keep up with the uppity skinny girls in these work out videos, I've probably moved in some odd way not right for my body. I sincerely need to find a "fat girl workout." Something that is more appropriate for my rolls to be doing. Wrapping up like a pretzel just isn't feasible when you have a chubby tub of fun. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Otherwise, it's been a pretty uneventful day. I did some cardio and then I learned how to "Dougie." And did the cha cha slide with the kids for a bit. And now, it's time for bed.
Day 4:
Weight: 273
Outlook: Cheery
Breakfast: 1 small (4 in in diameter) pancake, berries with light cool whip and 3 egg whites scrambled with 2 TB of cheese! SO YUMMY!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Day 3
My husband has been off work all day today. This led to embarrassment and forgetfulness. I didn't overeat, I forgot to eat. I didn't do my morning Yoga because I was afraid that he would laugh at me and tonight at dinner, while he was eating his dinner roll and drinking his soda, I secretly wished him dead.
Meet Forgetful:
Before I get too far, I should explain my family dynamic a bit. David and I have four children. I have Christian, Eryk, Lynnayah and Logan and each one of those smallish people consume every second of my day. I'm a stay at home mother and wife while my husband works in Law Enforcement. He works quite a few hours overtime each week so time with him is precious and far in between. When he's home, I like sleeping in, laughing, playing and EATING with him. Somewhere around 2:30 today, my stomach twisted and turned in ways that shot alarms in my head off in every direction "Feed me fatty!" I was begrudgingly reminded of the plant in Little Shop of Horrors at that moment. The plant was screaming "FEED ME SEYMOUR" inside of my body and it would not subside until finally, I chopped up a little meat and threw it down the hatch.
Not only have I read that forgetting to eat is going to defeat the purpose of the diet but I've been reminded multiple times by the people around me. In forgetting to eat today, chances are that I will wake up tonight famished. However, no matter how hungry I will be, I can't succumb to eating something or that weight will settle and guess who's nickname will never change from "fatty" to "healthy." You've got it, THIS GIRL.
And now that you're comfortable with Forgetful, let me introduce you to Embarrassed:
Fear of what other people have thought or will think about me passed somewhere in my earliest years of performance theatre. I can remember dreading my first play. "What if I forget my line?" "What if the lights blind me and I walk right off the stage?" "What if the audience doesn't like me?" These were all very realistic fears for me. Not because I was afraid that I would forget the whole play or because I was afraid of breaking my neck (teenagers are immortal remember?) I was afraid of the laughter that would erupt from the audience if I fell short. The pointing, the laughter and the mockery terrified me, but somewhere between my third and fourth play, I realized something. The fears were gone and I felt free to exist. I would perform and forget lines without even my understudy realizing what had happen. I would find the comedic element about falling off stage a comfort and a niche for my chubby awkwardness, but it wasn't until I found confidence in myself that I could even begin letting go of the fear and insecurity that somebody might not like ME.
That was a little more than 10 years ago and tonight in my cotton shorts and spaghetti strap shirt, in front of the man who has seen me and my white wide glory completely naked on MULTIPLE occasions, I felt insecure about the way my body would move, glide and position as I had to meet my fitness goal for the day. The fear stole my night and caused me to miss a portion of my physical obligation. I literally had to wait until my family was occupied at dinner to be able to completely separate myself from them to allow my body to move. By the time Yoga was over, it was much too late for a walk. In fact, it's much too late for a lot of things.
So today, I fell short. I became two people that aren't beneficial to my diet health and I hope that their personalities will dissipate into my being and make themselves scarce.
It's been a rough day but on the upside of things, I managed to drink ONLY water today with the exception of 10 oz of green tea iced without sugar. And the SUPER BIG BONUS is I was able to eat a FILLING dinner and come in under 500 calories thanks to my friend Analy's tasty chicken wrap recipe. It's definitely going in the box of things to do regularly.
Tomorrow's another day and we'll face that one with it's challenges then.
Day 3:
Weight: 273 lbs
Outlook: Feeling Blue
Dinner: Rolled chicken breast with a ricotta filling and a marinara topping, steamed zucchini, a side salad with low fat salad dressing and a slice of angel food cake with a berry & cream topping.
Meet Forgetful:
Before I get too far, I should explain my family dynamic a bit. David and I have four children. I have Christian, Eryk, Lynnayah and Logan and each one of those smallish people consume every second of my day. I'm a stay at home mother and wife while my husband works in Law Enforcement. He works quite a few hours overtime each week so time with him is precious and far in between. When he's home, I like sleeping in, laughing, playing and EATING with him. Somewhere around 2:30 today, my stomach twisted and turned in ways that shot alarms in my head off in every direction "Feed me fatty!" I was begrudgingly reminded of the plant in Little Shop of Horrors at that moment. The plant was screaming "FEED ME SEYMOUR" inside of my body and it would not subside until finally, I chopped up a little meat and threw it down the hatch.
Not only have I read that forgetting to eat is going to defeat the purpose of the diet but I've been reminded multiple times by the people around me. In forgetting to eat today, chances are that I will wake up tonight famished. However, no matter how hungry I will be, I can't succumb to eating something or that weight will settle and guess who's nickname will never change from "fatty" to "healthy." You've got it, THIS GIRL.
And now that you're comfortable with Forgetful, let me introduce you to Embarrassed:
Fear of what other people have thought or will think about me passed somewhere in my earliest years of performance theatre. I can remember dreading my first play. "What if I forget my line?" "What if the lights blind me and I walk right off the stage?" "What if the audience doesn't like me?" These were all very realistic fears for me. Not because I was afraid that I would forget the whole play or because I was afraid of breaking my neck (teenagers are immortal remember?) I was afraid of the laughter that would erupt from the audience if I fell short. The pointing, the laughter and the mockery terrified me, but somewhere between my third and fourth play, I realized something. The fears were gone and I felt free to exist. I would perform and forget lines without even my understudy realizing what had happen. I would find the comedic element about falling off stage a comfort and a niche for my chubby awkwardness, but it wasn't until I found confidence in myself that I could even begin letting go of the fear and insecurity that somebody might not like ME.
That was a little more than 10 years ago and tonight in my cotton shorts and spaghetti strap shirt, in front of the man who has seen me and my white wide glory completely naked on MULTIPLE occasions, I felt insecure about the way my body would move, glide and position as I had to meet my fitness goal for the day. The fear stole my night and caused me to miss a portion of my physical obligation. I literally had to wait until my family was occupied at dinner to be able to completely separate myself from them to allow my body to move. By the time Yoga was over, it was much too late for a walk. In fact, it's much too late for a lot of things.
So today, I fell short. I became two people that aren't beneficial to my diet health and I hope that their personalities will dissipate into my being and make themselves scarce.
It's been a rough day but on the upside of things, I managed to drink ONLY water today with the exception of 10 oz of green tea iced without sugar. And the SUPER BIG BONUS is I was able to eat a FILLING dinner and come in under 500 calories thanks to my friend Analy's tasty chicken wrap recipe. It's definitely going in the box of things to do regularly.
Tomorrow's another day and we'll face that one with it's challenges then.
Day 3:
Weight: 273 lbs
Outlook: Feeling Blue
Dinner: Rolled chicken breast with a ricotta filling and a marinara topping, steamed zucchini, a side salad with low fat salad dressing and a slice of angel food cake with a berry & cream topping.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Day 2 Part 2
Is it just me or does everybody get MEANER when you're dieting? It's like they know that tears bring on weight loss so they start becoming... well... meaner. Or maybe I'm super sensitive right now and feeling crappy about my accidental calorie OD during lunch. I know that I need to be acutely aware of advice right now. Especially from those who have fought the same battle and won but at the moment, I'm looking at the brownies on top of my refrigerator ready to commit diet suicide.
My coping mechanism is poison to me right now and I'm realizing that this journey is going to be as much emotional as it is physical. Which only brings me to question what the appeal factor is about food anyway. What is it about this thing that became so important to me that my over indulgence is threatening my life?
Will an icy soda chase away the boogie man when I wake up at night with a nightmare? Will a giant taco jump up and kill the spiders in my garage? Tomorrow, when I stub my toe on one of my children's assorted toys, will a piece of cheesecake kiss the boo boo and make it better? NO! (At least I hope not) The soda will stay in it's glass, the taco will stay on the plate in the kitchen and the cheesecake will stay at the store in its shiny plastic. So why am I so dependent?
I've always described myself as a non-addict. I don't develop addictions easily and when I do, they're usually easily broken but food GLORIOUS FOOD. I just can't say "goodbye." I can't cut the strings. I can however make choices to be healthy both physically and emotionally so tomorrow, I think I'll call a therapist. Lord knows if I can fathom super hero soda pop, I need professional help.
My coping mechanism is poison to me right now and I'm realizing that this journey is going to be as much emotional as it is physical. Which only brings me to question what the appeal factor is about food anyway. What is it about this thing that became so important to me that my over indulgence is threatening my life?
Will an icy soda chase away the boogie man when I wake up at night with a nightmare? Will a giant taco jump up and kill the spiders in my garage? Tomorrow, when I stub my toe on one of my children's assorted toys, will a piece of cheesecake kiss the boo boo and make it better? NO! (At least I hope not) The soda will stay in it's glass, the taco will stay on the plate in the kitchen and the cheesecake will stay at the store in its shiny plastic. So why am I so dependent?
I've always described myself as a non-addict. I don't develop addictions easily and when I do, they're usually easily broken but food GLORIOUS FOOD. I just can't say "goodbye." I can't cut the strings. I can however make choices to be healthy both physically and emotionally so tomorrow, I think I'll call a therapist. Lord knows if I can fathom super hero soda pop, I need professional help.
Day 2
I am about 45 minutes into day 2 and I only have one question. "Is it premature of me to think I'm dying?" HOLY TOLEDO!
My dear, loving husband woke me up this morning after my alarm had been going off for seven minutes. I might have broken my phone at some point because my alarm sounds a little like a cricket leaping off into outer space only to be stunted by the sudden splat of a passing car's windshield. I turned, moved stretched a little bit and I forgot that I have muscles in the back of my knees.
Indeed, the pain of the morning has set in. I have a nagging charlie horse in my right leg, a migraine and oddly, my shoulders are hurting. I think at this point that boobs were definitely a "Manly God's" invention. If a woman had invented these suckers, they'd be detachable for exercising purposes. Wanda Sykes talks a little about having a detachable vagina, I'm thinking I'd add boobs to that concept as well. Just take the boobs off, place them in a box under the bed and go for a jog. I'm sure we'd see a lot less black eyes that way.
So my day starts now. I'm trying to figure out how to cook Smoked Salmon so that I can boost my protein for the day with a healthy start out the door. I'm thinking I'll squeeze in a little yoga. I've heard that it helps in situations like I'm currently in and then I'm out the door for an interview. Wish me luck!
Day 2:
Weight: 273 (I think I'll weigh in weekly from now on)
Outlook: It's too early to tell
Breakfast: Smoked Salmon, Egg Whites and an apple.
My dear, loving husband woke me up this morning after my alarm had been going off for seven minutes. I might have broken my phone at some point because my alarm sounds a little like a cricket leaping off into outer space only to be stunted by the sudden splat of a passing car's windshield. I turned, moved stretched a little bit and I forgot that I have muscles in the back of my knees.
Indeed, the pain of the morning has set in. I have a nagging charlie horse in my right leg, a migraine and oddly, my shoulders are hurting. I think at this point that boobs were definitely a "Manly God's" invention. If a woman had invented these suckers, they'd be detachable for exercising purposes. Wanda Sykes talks a little about having a detachable vagina, I'm thinking I'd add boobs to that concept as well. Just take the boobs off, place them in a box under the bed and go for a jog. I'm sure we'd see a lot less black eyes that way.
So my day starts now. I'm trying to figure out how to cook Smoked Salmon so that I can boost my protein for the day with a healthy start out the door. I'm thinking I'll squeeze in a little yoga. I've heard that it helps in situations like I'm currently in and then I'm out the door for an interview. Wish me luck!
Day 2:
Weight: 273 (I think I'll weigh in weekly from now on)
Outlook: It's too early to tell
Breakfast: Smoked Salmon, Egg Whites and an apple.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Day 1
I don't have a death wish. Nothing inside of me is begging for the end. I am simply a fat girl. A fluffy, voluptuous, curvy, bumpy, tubby, cushiony type. I'm fun, outgoing, pretty smart I just happen to prefer cheese SMOTHERED on my broccoli and my chicken fried. So when the doctor's office called today and said "Listen here fatty, if you don't lose some weight, you're going to meet the Grim Reaper a little earlier than we had previously discussed," I got a little worried.
I woke my husband up in a fit of tears, "I don't want to change!" I made him get out of the comfort of our bed and rush me to the grocery store. I filled up on tillapia, turkey, salmon, green veggies and lots of natural supplements that have thus far caused my stomach to do little turns. I contacted a good friend and begged her to keep me accountable. She's gotta a lot on her plate herself, but who can resist watching fatty sweat? So she agreed. (I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't quite see the reasoning that way, but eh- it's reason enough for me.)
And for my first adventure of the day, I tried liquid egg whites. Let's not repeat what I thought those looked like in the pan. I had a little cut up turkey bacon and a tortilla. Can we say "Cardboard tacos?" No really, it wasn't THAT bad. (It wasn't that good either.)
For my second adventure, I cleared out all of my furniture, got a towel and placed it gingerly on the floor and I tried YOGA. I thought "Eh, low impact. It wont hurt my back and I can do this with Air Conditioning. No problem!" Although somewhere inside of me, I thought I was taking the wimpy way out, I got started. 10 minutes later, sweaty and begging for the woman to stop talking about the waves within my body, my butt sat down and got back to facebooking.
I then proceeded to google EVERY POSSIBLE weight loss group out there. Jenny Craig worked for whats-her-face, right? And I decided that the best way for me to go about this is to blog. To air my dirty laundry and make sure that all of my friends see it. So when I choose to pull in to Taco Bell, they'll remind me "Bitch, you can't have that!" with all the love in their hearts.
So here we go.
Day 1:
Weight: 273
Outlook: Bleak at best
Dinner: Turkey Meatloaf with steamed broccoli.
I woke my husband up in a fit of tears, "I don't want to change!" I made him get out of the comfort of our bed and rush me to the grocery store. I filled up on tillapia, turkey, salmon, green veggies and lots of natural supplements that have thus far caused my stomach to do little turns. I contacted a good friend and begged her to keep me accountable. She's gotta a lot on her plate herself, but who can resist watching fatty sweat? So she agreed. (I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't quite see the reasoning that way, but eh- it's reason enough for me.)
And for my first adventure of the day, I tried liquid egg whites. Let's not repeat what I thought those looked like in the pan. I had a little cut up turkey bacon and a tortilla. Can we say "Cardboard tacos?" No really, it wasn't THAT bad. (It wasn't that good either.)
For my second adventure, I cleared out all of my furniture, got a towel and placed it gingerly on the floor and I tried YOGA. I thought "Eh, low impact. It wont hurt my back and I can do this with Air Conditioning. No problem!" Although somewhere inside of me, I thought I was taking the wimpy way out, I got started. 10 minutes later, sweaty and begging for the woman to stop talking about the waves within my body, my butt sat down and got back to facebooking.
I then proceeded to google EVERY POSSIBLE weight loss group out there. Jenny Craig worked for whats-her-face, right? And I decided that the best way for me to go about this is to blog. To air my dirty laundry and make sure that all of my friends see it. So when I choose to pull in to Taco Bell, they'll remind me "Bitch, you can't have that!" with all the love in their hearts.
So here we go.
Day 1:
Weight: 273
Outlook: Bleak at best
Dinner: Turkey Meatloaf with steamed broccoli.
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